Life after Death(or so it seemED)

After I had gotten over this boy, I still had my life, still had my friends, still had my family, still had the ability to love, still had all of my emotions, but I didnt feel like life was right anymore. To be honest, it felt like I was just dead. Now yes, I was over him, but there will always be that hole in your heart that your first love cut out. I was just, well, there. I woke up every morning having nothing to look forward to when I got home from school such as a phone call from a certain someone. Then I would go to school, do everything I had to there, pretend I was happy, then come home. Normally I was so exhausted from school and barely any rest from the night before that i would sleep when I got home. But there was the occasional time that I had something to do. I do admit that I had a wonderful and loving friend who i guess you could say, looked after me. She was amazing. I was so lucky to have her. As a matter of fact, we're still best friends today. I am very thankful. She always talked me down when I started to get emotional and always let me cry on her shoulder if I needed it. I was just depressed that I had lost the first person I had ever loved. I mean we are just kids, I completely understand that now and I now know that I shouldn't have expected it to last forever. Honestly, I knew it had to end sometime, it was a long distance relationship and I knew it wouldn't work. I just wanted it to so badly that I shoved that thought way back in my mind and almost forgot about it. But that was impossible with him. I wish now that he would have just been honest with me in the beginning and told me how it was because I was too love struck to come to terms with reality.So at school I would just smile and pretend that life was great. My best friend was always there for me though and now that I think back, I am pretty sure that she is what kept me going everyday. Knowing that she was there for me and that she cared about me. I can say that i actually felt loved. As I said before, she was amazing. I just lived day by day and I can't say that I wasn't somewhat happy because then I'd be lying. I had my lovely family and all of my friends. The thing I had lost may have meant the world to me, but you get over things. You move on. After I realized that I had to move on(which my friend had been telling me the whole time and I just didn't want to do it) I started to enjoy life again. I realized that he had moved on and gotten over me a long time ago and I had just recently gotten over him. I had to start living life to the fullest again. I just had to. No matter what it took, I was determined to enjoy life again. So I started flirting again :). There was a certain person at my school who had caught my eye from the first day of school, but I thought we would just be friends and nothing more. So we just talked as friends and I flirted with other guys. To tell you the truth, I had a damn good time doing it, too.I was happy that other guys were actually interested in me. I am one of those people who have never had a high self esteem and I have always looked at myself as ugly. So I had tons of fun after I realized that some guys did like me. Hah, that probably sounds really stupid but I'm being completely honest and serious. Well I never actually thought I was ugly, just not as beautiful as some other girls. I never considered myself beautiful at all. To be honest, I still dont consider myself anywhere near beautiful. But I don't think I am ugly. My best friend told me that her cousin liked me. So I got a little excited :). He called me one day and we started "talking". I kind of liked him too. But that plane crashed. That would have been a long distance relationship also and I just didn't want another one of those. So, I went back to flirting with guys at my school. Does it seem like I'm a big flirt? I'm not. I just decided that I wanted to be more outgoing after Christmas break. So I was. I completely changed. I wasn't such a pushover anymore. My out look on life changed drastically.

The hurt before the happiness

Almost two years ago, when hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, i met a guy. His school and his home was hit by the hurricane so he and his family came to stay with his grandparents. He had a friend who went to my school and he visited him there. We started talking and I really liked him. He liked me too, I thought. He is an adorable brunette who has many talents and is very attractive. He is a muscian and an artist. He was always drawing while he was visiting my school. He wrote me a note the last day he was visiting and gave me his phone number along with his email address and many other things. So I decided to call him. We talked for a little while but he went to an academy at that point so I wasn't sure where to call him at.Then I lost his note and had no way to reach him. I should have just left it at that, but I didnt. I tried to remember his email address. I did and emailed him asking if it was the right person. It was. After many emails back and forth, I ended up giving him my phone number and getting his again. We didn't talk for about 6 months after that. Finally, I checked my email, got his number, and called him one night. We talked for 9 hours that night and got to know each other. This was during the summer so I had nowhere to go the next day, but he worked so around 6:00am he had to go so he could get some sleep. But before he got off the phone, he said he had one more question to ask me. He asked me to be his girlfriend. I thought for a minute and accepted. I was so happy. I couldn't even sleep I was so excited. He called me every day and we had a great relationship. Then school started again. He told me that he was starting a new school and he wasn't sure if he'd find someone else there. He said that we should take a break and we'd pick up where we left off later on in the school year. I thought well yeah maybe I will find someone also because i was going to a new school that year also. So I agreed to just be friends. We still talked almost everyday. Around Halloween, he told me he was coming up at Thanksgiving to visit his grandparents and that we should hang out when he was visiting. So when he came, he called me and we made plans for him to come to my house and hang out. We stayed at my house for a little while and then went to my dad's house. We stayed there for about an hour and my dad had to take him back to his hotel because his parents wanted him to come back. So we were on our way back and we were texting each other because my sister was with us the whole time and we didn't really have that much time to talk about anything serious. So we were texting in the truck and he ended up asking me out again. I questioned that because i wasn't quite sure why he wanted to date me again when he broke up with me before. He said that while we were together, he realized what he lost and he wanted it back. Again, I said yes. About a week later he called me and told me that a friend of his, who is a girl, had given him a ring that day at school and said he was her husband. I thought nothing of it because I kind of thought it was childish. Then he told me she was always sitting in his lap and hugging him and things like that. I got a little worried with that one. Then he called me crying once. He is not a person who cheats. He felt horrible and I could tell but it didnt matter, I knew what he had to tell me and I just wanted him to tell me. He wouldnt. We were on the phone for over an hour and he kept putting it off and telling me he just couldn't say it. In the end, he had me crying and I found out that this girl kissed him and he kissed back. Apparantly nothing else happened, but he is a guy and my first assumption was right about him cheating so I think my second assumption was right also. I was madly in love with him by the first time we went out. By the second time, I wasnt over him and was crazy in love. I didnt really care what he did, I decided to forgive him. By the way, that was a bad idea on my part. He ended up breaking up with me again because he wasn't over his ex girlfriend, who killed herself. But in actuality, he found someone else that he liked more than me. We still talked though, like nothing ever happened. I felt like such an idiot. I was hurt that he told me he loved me and it turned out to be a big lie. I mean i was seriously in love. Real toe curling, smiling all the time, love. He was my first love by the way. I just couldn't believe how stupid I was. I was so depressed. Luckily I had a great friend that was there to comfort me. I just couldn't stop talking to him. Even though I knew he didn't feel the way I felt about him, I couldnt resist answering the phone when he called and calling when he didn't call. Most of the time, we had nothing to talk about. I just liked knowing that he was talking to me, no one else. ME! I have to admit now that I was jealous, jealous that all his friend and girlfriends had him there with them and I only got to talk to him sometimes. Even if we had nothing to talk about, I liked having the satisfaction that I had his full attention. Well then he I stopped calling. My lovely best friend told me that I needed to move on. Get over him. Get over "love". I thought "is that possible?" Oh it is. I will always love this boy but right now, I hate his guts. I can't stand him. I don't ever want to look at his face again, hear his voice again, or hear someone say his name. I may be over reacting just a bit but he hurt me. He crushed me. I was just very fortunate to have a friend by my side who knew what I was going through and had went through the same exact thing recently. It took me over three months to get over him. That's quite a while. I still think about him sometimes. He even called me the other day. I am proud to say that i answered, talked for about 5 minutes and told him I had to go, and haven't answered his calls since. I thought I wanted to talk to him again, but when I got on the phone with him, I realized that i really didn't. I had no desire to call him back either. I am completely over him now. I am very proud of myself for that even though it did take me a long time to get over him. Life is going pretty good right now and I am finally over him.